Where Am I Going, And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Am I Too Fucking Crass?



So my girl has a lovely new boyfriend. I will say that I genuinely like him and he's pretty damn hot. That said, I will also admit that he's so damn perfect that I'd roll my eyes at each report of his Perfectness if I wasn't so happy that someone is finally treating her as well as she deserves. It's only the Mock Envy of a girl whose own Honeymoon Phase ended quite a while ago.

Naturally, I prod her to look for imperfections in her Lovely New Man. She's got nothin'. So I tried to be helpful: Are his toenails too long? Does he have an annoying twitch? Does he play video games? Refuse to watch foreign films because he doesn't like "reading his movies"? Habitually lose his fucking keys in queer random places like the freezer case at the grocery store and set off 20 minute store-wide searches?

My many suggestions triggered nothing. He doesn't even possess a game-playing device. The only thing she could come back with is that He Um Says The Word PEE. Like, when he has to Pee. She thinks it's crass.

Hahaha. I know to say that I ain't no Super-Refined Miss Manners is an understatement, but I fail to be impressed with her weakass "complaint".

He has to PEE? Well, let's pray he gets no crasser than THAT. Hahaha.

I couldn't help but laugh at her and tell her to count her lucky fucking stars: My old man took a shit while I was in the goddamn shower the other day. As soon as I caught a whiff I peeked out and saw him sitting on the can and I started yelling and whining and he just started cracking up. He was so amused. Joey was using the bathroom downstairs, he claimed. He couldn't wait any longer. I just kept whining and moaning and going OH MAN OH MAN YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE and I almost cracked my head reaching for a perfumey spray bottle on the rack above the toilet. I was desperate. Shampoo in my eyes and I'm spraying the damn bottle everywhere while he laughs and laughs. Bastard.

So, while this was an illuminating example of How To Tell When The Honeymoon Is Indeed Over, I hoped that it also served to show her that using the word PEE hardly counts as a character flaw. And he doesn't even play video games like my old man does, dude. I told her she should go suck his wang just because of THAT.

Pee pee pee pee pee. Hahaha.



Epilogue: So last week I did it to him. I went in to the bathroom and sat on the Loo while he was showering and when he got a whiff of my Eau de Turd, I said OOPS I just thought I had to pee. THIS is quite a surprise!

Tee hee.

The Toilet Seat Muesum:
http://www.unusualmuseums.org/toilet/


Posted by Marci Twitches :: 10:43 AM :: 0 Comments:

Post / Read Comments

-------------------------------------

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

My ex is getting married.

Don't worry, it's not one of THOSE posts. I'm not freaking out. I'm not shocked that yet another ex somehow moved past me and found someone else worthy enough for an actual commitment. The Commitment. I haven't personalized it or made it about Me. I've just got to assume that they're okay settling with less pretty less funny less interesting less intillectual less dynamic lesser lovers. Hahaha. I do not want to pour myself a vat of wine.

Okay, seriously. That's not the point of this post. We're friends. He's a great guy and I'm lucky to have known him. I'm just giggling a little at his recent claim about his upcoming wedding, is all:

So he's getting married this summer. He just informed me that he will be playing his guitar and singing and dancing. He's a bit of a kidder, so I'm not sure how much of that is actually true. I wrote him back pretending like I believed him, as usual, and asked for more details:

HIS RESPONSE:
Interesting that you should be more surprised by my guitar/singing work (acoustic) at the wedding, and spend not even a moment commenting on the dance portion of the performance. This tells me you find my singing and guitaring less plausible... if I read a little more into it, I would guess it also means you remain awed by my work on the dance floor. No need to be embarassed about this, you're not the only one who feels that way. Some people have a gift, and luckily they share it with the world. To tell you the truth, I think it's selfish when people with such blessings lock them away from the people who would benefit just be in their presence. Anyway, I'll let you know how it comes out.

ME:
Okay, I chose to ignore the DANCING part. I thought surely you JEST. At least the Guitar part had a toehold on reality. Goodness. Don't embarass your wife. Unless she thinks your Lucky Charm Kick is part of your charm. WOAH, then.

SERIOUSLY. Is this a choreographed thing? Are you singing Kermie's Rainbow Connection song like the groom did at that wedding I took you to in Cali where you were petrified of the fucking garter and my father had to drag you on the dance floor the SECOND time they threw the thing because not ONE man budged a fucking inch to grab the flying garter on the first toss which you were curiously absent for and that SECOND time when you stayed in the back of the mancrowd and cowered like it represented some betroathement contract or something if you flinched an inch and revealed yourself and the long-haired whitetrash father of the groom finally bent over to pick up the diseased garter after it sat on the silent dance floor for what seemed like an eternity while I stood there trying not to to feel like the ugly flat pre-teen wallflower with a headgear being rejected by the entire male species and my supposed boyfriend who apparently assumed I was trying to chain him to me or something. HAHAHAHA. Don't sing THAT song. Unless you are. Then I'm sure it will be lovely.

Posted by Marci Twitches :: 1:50 PM :: 0 Comments:

Post / Read Comments

-------------------------------------

Saturday, May 13, 2006

I Chaperone. Hahaha.

Like the good lil Stepmommish I am, I chaperoned Joey's field trip to the State Capitol the other day (never thought I'd use that word to describe any of MY actions). What a nice lil tour. The kids were alternately hyper with curiosity in that hoppity hoppity eager way and then, bored.

A normal, common, basic frield trip - every kid should see their State Capital.

As I trailed behind the group and tried to keep the shaggy kid, who for some reason felt it brag-worthy to inform the tour guide that he was born in Poland, from wandering away and kicking everything he passed - it ocurred to me I'd had some strange fucking field trips. I nudged the kicker, "Hey Polish, quit knocking over the cardboard cops." Quit yanking the flags. Keep moving. No drinking fountain for you. If YOU stop and take a drink, so will all the other kids. MOVE IT, TWERP. It is an exercise in futility to expect children to keep to single file lines. Unless they're holding hands. But then you are subjected to the squeals of little girls who have now contacted The Cooties. So the Polish Footballer gets his way in the end.

Okay. In 7th grade my class went to a MORTUARY. Yup. I can't recall why, I can't recall the parental uproar I would assume it caused (or didn't it?). I just remember learning that the lady told us how pennies helped close the dead eyelids, and I remember seeing a really really small casket that I figured was for midgets. Until she corrected my assumption and informed us that the small casket was for children. It never occurred to me that there would be such a need. Small caskets are for midgets. Yup.

I went to Catholic school, by the way. I don't know if that needs to be mentioned. If it makes more sense now that you know that.

When I pulled this memory out and accused my mother of allowing the ground to shake from under me like that, she doesn't ever remember that I went on a field trip to a mortuary. Nice. Real nice.

I'm sorry, Joey, are you bored?

Next time I'll take him to the mortuary. See how he likes THAT. Perhaps he'd like to see something like THIS instead:


Now eat yer veggies, or you'll soon be snuggling in this.

Posted by Marci Twitches :: 1:47 PM :: 0 Comments:

Post / Read Comments

-------------------------------------

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Hike for Discovery - Survived the Canyon WOOHOO!

An amazing weekend.





















Posted by Marci Twitches :: 1:36 PM :: 0 Comments:

Post / Read Comments

-------------------------------------

Monday, May 01, 2006

Our Presidents Are Not Donkeys At All

Three years ago today, aboard the homeward-bound aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln, "The tyrant has fallen and Iraq is free," President George W. Bush declared, standing underneath a banner proclaiming: "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED."

Ummmmmm.

OH, and this is fun:

Headline: Mexico set to legalize personal amounts of pot, cocaine, heroin

"If Fox signs the measure and it becomes law, it could strain the two countries' cooperation in anti-drug efforts -- and increase the vast numbers of vacationing students who visit Mexico." Hahaha that's fucking funny.

Just like every other cool innovation that arrived AFTER my time - such as kickass playgrounds at McDonald's popping up right AFTER I was too big to play, like last call in Arizona changing until 2am AFTER my partying prime - this new law arrives 10 years too late to "lawfully" amp up my spring breaks. Screwed again.

Check it out:
http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/americas/04/28/mexico.drugs.ap/index.html

Posted by Marci Twitches :: 1:32 PM :: 0 Comments:

Post / Read Comments

-------------------------------------