So my girl has a lovely new boyfriend. I will say that I genuinely like him and he's pretty damn hot. That said, I will also admit that he's so damn perfect that I'd roll my eyes at each report of his Perfectness if I wasn't so happy that someone is finally treating her as well as she deserves. It's only the Mock Envy of a girl whose own Honeymoon Phase ended quite a while ago.

Naturally, I prod her to look for imperfections in her Lovely New Man. She's got nothin'. So I tried to be helpful: Are his toenails too long? Does he have an annoying twitch? Does he play video games? Refuse to watch foreign films because he doesn't like "reading his movies"? Habitually lose his fucking keys in queer random places like the freezer case at the grocery store and set off 20 minute store-wide searches?

My many suggestions triggered nothing. He doesn't even possess a game-playing device. The only thing she could come back with is that He Um Says The Word PEE. Like, when he has to Pee. She thinks it's crass.

Hahaha. I know to say that I ain't no Super-Refined Miss Manners is an understatement, but I fail to be impressed with her weakass "complaint".

He has to PEE? Well, let's pray he gets no crasser than THAT. Hahaha.

I couldn't help but laugh at her and tell her to count her lucky fucking stars: My old man took a shit while I was in the goddamn shower the other day. As soon as I caught a whiff I peeked out and saw him sitting on the can and I started yelling and whining and he just started cracking up. He was so amused. Joey was using the bathroom downstairs, he claimed. He couldn't wait any longer. I just kept whining and moaning and going OH MAN OH MAN YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE and I almost cracked my head reaching for a perfumey spray bottle on the rack above the toilet. I was desperate. Shampoo in my eyes and I'm spraying the damn bottle everywhere while he laughs and laughs. Bastard.

So, while this was an illuminating example of How To Tell When The Honeymoon Is Indeed Over, I hoped that it also served to show her that using the word PEE hardly counts as a character flaw. And he doesn't even play video games like my old man does, dude. I told her she should go suck his wang just because of THAT.

Pee pee pee pee pee. Hahaha.



Epilogue: So last week I did it to him. I went in to the bathroom and sat on the Loo while he was showering and when he got a whiff of my Eau de Turd, I said OOPS I just thought I had to pee. THIS is quite a surprise!

Tee hee.

The Toilet Seat Muesum:
http://www.unusualmuseums.org/toilet/