Where Am I Going, And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

Friday, July 15, 2005

My Sister's Wedding Dress

So I fiiiinally made it over to my parents’ house to take pictures of Sabrina’s dress so that she can sell it on Ebay to pay for her Everest trip (lofty goals and questionable financial logic have never stopped her hahaha).

I showed up clean & showered, thinking that was a generous enough gesture, but Carmela asked about my face, if that was the way I was going to “leave it”. So I’m already annoyed, especially when I consider that I now have to shove some of Carmela’s loud make-up on my face. Apparently my natural face isn’t enough to convey my excitement at still dealing with the ugly wake of my sister's non-wedding to TavASS after 2 years. Any reminder of the ArrogantHumorlessHypocryticalCowardlyCreep puts me in a grumpy mood. So I try to convince her to take headless shots. No one wants to see the face of the woman who’s sucking it in, anyway. But Mama doesn’t think she can master a headless shot. I tell her I can photoshop my nasty face out later. She pleads for me to make myself pretty.

So, okay. Make-up. Done. Then I try the thing on. To my surprise, it actually zipped up! Yay! I couldn’t bend over in it or the seams would’ve split, but I think: if I suck it in, and breathe only quick, short breaths, I’ll be okay. I trip down the stairs - let’s get this fucker over with.

Next Carmela questions my hair, which was freshly washed & dried. Was that how I was planning on “leaving it”? At this point, any expression of annoyance would have been deemed as a Bad Attitude, but I couldn’t resist pondering whether or not this was a real photo shoot. This isn't Vanity Fair, it's frickin' eBay. I sweep up my hair and declare, all ‘a smile, that I Am Ready. Then it’s my earrings. Carmela yanks my hoops out and gives me another pair. And suddenly she remembers the shoes. Oh, the shoes! She runs upstairs and rifles in a closet and finally brings them down, but she has to put them on for me because I can’t bend over. I almost fall back on my ass when she yanks my foot up. Of course the shoes don’t fit either. They fucking hurt and they’re stiff and the heel is too pointy for my retarded sense of balance, especially on poofy carpet. I wobble immediately.

Then she says that I should have come over during the day instead, when the lighting was better, and we could have gone outside where it’s pretty. I am cussing inside my head. Does she suggest I take time off work? Because I refuse to give up valuable weekend time for a day shot, and I refuse to stand outside in 108-degree heat in a scratchy dress that I can barely breathe in. I was already hot indoors. I make sure the cussing stays inside my head and just say, “NO.” I smile, hoping Carmela can’t read my Total Fucking Exasperation. I tell her it will be Just Fine inside, the lighting is dandy, I can fix it later when we upload.

I proceed to suck it in and stand up straight. Carmela aims, waits, re-aims, waits, moves closer, moves back, counts onnnnnne, twooooo, “Smiiiile Marci!”, moves in, threeeee. We take 2 fucking pictures in 5 minutes. My back already hurts.

Then my camera shuts off. I had forgotten to charge the batteries. FUCK FUCK FUCK. So Carmela leaves me wobbling on the carpet while she hunts for more batteries. Upstairs. Downstairs. In the garage. She pages my dad, but Javier takes another 10 minutes to call back because it’s His Bowling Night. He guides her through more places to search for batteries. Hmm. No fucking batteries in the fucking house. So then Carmela wanders the house for my dad’s camera. Upstairs, downstairs. She doesn’t find it quickly. I’m just standing in the living room, still wobbling in total irritation, wishing I could help find the damn thing, but I waddle like a penguin in this dress, so I have to stay put. When she finally returns, it takes another five minutes for me to help her figure her camera out.

Carmela asks me at some point if this is Getting Me Excited for my own wedding. Hmm.

Fast forward another hour (actually not an exaggeration) and we are finally done.

The best pictures we took is of my backside, where I didn’t have to fucking smile at all. But also, you can see that my injudicious sister did indeed choose a beautiful dress.

Hee.

Posted by Marci Twitches :: 1:39 PM :: 0 Comments:

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