Like the good lil Stepmommish I am, I chaperoned Joey's field trip to the State Capitol the other day (never thought I'd use that word to describe any of MY actions). What a nice lil tour. The kids were alternately hyper with curiosity in that hoppity hoppity eager way and then, bored.

A normal, common, basic frield trip - every kid should see their State Capital.

As I trailed behind the group and tried to keep the shaggy kid, who for some reason felt it brag-worthy to inform the tour guide that he was born in Poland, from wandering away and kicking everything he passed - it ocurred to me I'd had some strange fucking field trips. I nudged the kicker, "Hey Polish, quit knocking over the cardboard cops." Quit yanking the flags. Keep moving. No drinking fountain for you. If YOU stop and take a drink, so will all the other kids. MOVE IT, TWERP. It is an exercise in futility to expect children to keep to single file lines. Unless they're holding hands. But then you are subjected to the squeals of little girls who have now contacted The Cooties. So the Polish Footballer gets his way in the end.

Okay. In 7th grade my class went to a MORTUARY. Yup. I can't recall why, I can't recall the parental uproar I would assume it caused (or didn't it?). I just remember learning that the lady told us how pennies helped close the dead eyelids, and I remember seeing a really really small casket that I figured was for midgets. Until she corrected my assumption and informed us that the small casket was for children. It never occurred to me that there would be such a need. Small caskets are for midgets. Yup.

I went to Catholic school, by the way. I don't know if that needs to be mentioned. If it makes more sense now that you know that.

When I pulled this memory out and accused my mother of allowing the ground to shake from under me like that, she doesn't ever remember that I went on a field trip to a mortuary. Nice. Real nice.

Next time I'll take him to the mortuary. See how he likes THAT. Perhaps he'd like to see something like THIS instead:

Now eat yer veggies, or you'll soon be snuggling in this.